I am not going to NYC

I got the unofficial word today, that the NYC thing, it's not happening.

I am semi numb. Unsure of how/what to feel.

Relieved. Disappointed. Panicked. Desperate. Petrified. Frustrated. Despairing. Reckless.

My emotions flash up, are swallowed up. Resurface, disappear.

I need to clear my head of these cloudy emotions and make sure I don't end up making a decision that I will regret. I am afraid I will make a reckless decision in my anger and spite.

I have never been able to be rational where a boy was involved.